Life hasn’t been easy lately, for anyone. I don’t make it easy for the people around me or for myself. I’ve always been difficult to get along with, always picked a fight when I could, and always felt the need to prove myself. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I hurt everyone that I love…in fact, the more I love you the more I completely destroy you..and I did it again. I don’t know how he can still stand to look at me after everything that I have done. Nothing can change what has happened but maybe…just maybe…it is fixable. I can’t imagine a life without him, he makes everything around me seem brighter. Ive lived in the darkness for 20 years until I found him. As corny as that sounds he really did open my eyes to what the world can offer me. As a child I never thought that the abuse would end and as I grew older these same worried followed me. I never thought that I could be happy or that I would find peace in the world. I found that in him. I saw something in him that was worth living for.
Now that may seem like some intense feelings for someone who isn’t even dating that person at the moment…but that is how my life is. My brain is ruled by these constant flow of mixed, unstable, but extreme emotions. I don’t just develop crushes on people…I don’t really understand that concept. I either hate you or I am deeply devoted to you…everyone else is simply just a stand in. Normal people interact with strangers and develop casual relationships…not me. I try to in order to fit in but its all a lie. They don’t really mean anything to me. But I fell for him…hard. I devoted everything to him …. I get that it didn’t help our relationship and was probably the reason it fell apart so quickly. I’m intense…I move fast and that wasn’t constructive. I need to learn to slow things down…to enjoy the moment. I don’t really understand that either…its like all the ‘middle grounds’ don’t exist in my reality. For me, if you like someone then there isn’t any reason to wait to do all these big milestones. Having sex, becoming official, moving in, getting engaged, starting a family…all of these things seem to have a shorter time line for me than what is considered normal. But I just don’t see the point in waiting. Im rash and spontaneous but thats how I show my feelings…Im extremely passionate and that can cause problems because it makes me skip over important steps. In terms of my past relationship, that was our biggest flaw: communication. It wasn’t that we did not communicate but rather how we communicated. We didn’t take it slow so we never had all these little fights that serve as prep for the big and important fights. We only fought about serious things and in a terrible way. I always assume the worst and think i’ll be abandoned so I become very passionate in fights. I love the people around me and want so badly for things to work out that I lash out with everything in me to hopefully get my point across… that isn’t right of me. I care so much but it doesn’t come out right. I try to prove that they are doing something wrong and that they are just trying to leave me or look for an opportunity to hurt me ….cause that is what i’m used to. Its also a cry out for help…i’m trying to convey the hurt that I am feeling the best way that I know how.
My brain is a scary place. Fighting seems to be the way that I try and convey just how much pain that I am in. Before the diagnosis I didn’t know why I was always in so much pain or always so emotionally drained…but now it makes so much sense. I have such intense emotions that living through them and trying to understand them takes so much out of me. I take out my emotions on other people and blame them for what I am feeling because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand that it was my brain and my mental illness making me feel a certain way, not my partner. I fear being abandoned…im not being abandoned. I assume that everyone is out to get me, but I am not being attacked. I feel empty inside, but I am not alone. I feel worthless, but I am not without value or purpose. Im impulsive, but that is not because I want to. Im sick… these are symptoms. This can be cured. This is not the product of my partner being abusive or leaving me. this is internal. This can be treated. I lash out in arguments because the easiest and most plausible reasoning behind my feelings is that other people are influencing or creating them. I thought that if im feeling so alone then I must not be getting as much attention as I should be or that if i was feeling abandoned that I was or was about to be left alone.
This is a constant battle inside me and is definitely not easy. I have to deal with all of this in addition to the suicidal thoughts, anxiety, anger, and uncontrollable mood swings that happen on a daily. Ive had trouble seeing how this afffects the people around me…. i guess that is the easiest way to explain it. I can see when I hurt them but I can’t do anything about it. Its like im trapped inside my body and someone else is saying all these hurtful things. Im fighting constantly for it to stop and for me to show them how much they mean to me but its like I have this inner demon that calls all the shots. I hate it. Theirs nothing I can do to control it and its frustrating. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. It tears me down everytime it happens…I know its me. Im doing this. I hate myself for it. He doesn’t deserve to hear the things that I say. They are not true and I do not mean them but i say them anyways and it kills him…I can see how much it kills him. I hate this. I need to get better for myself and for him. I don’t want to put him through anymore pain….
Im slowly understanding that love doesnt exist in the timeline that I imagine. It takes time..allot of it. Its not clearly defined and as fast paced as I think it is. There IS a gray area in love and those are the important parts. Its figuring out what to do next, what movie to see, what city to live in, if this is all working out, if this is the right path that matters the most. Its those small moments where you communicate and let the other person into your mind that are so special. Talking things out, debating, compromising…these are all very important things in a realtionship. I wasn’t able to see that…I thought that for an event to be important it had to have some kind of material worth or something. That it was something we can show the world that was important. A promise ring, an apartment together, a cute status on social media etc… these were all the things that I was fighting for…but I am not ready for that yet. We have allot of small steps to take before we can truly be happy..wether that be together or apart is something that will be revealed with time. I can’t expect an answer right now because right now is not a happy place. We have all these small stepping stones to overcome before we can even begin to think about all the important milestones that ive dreamt about. My reality is an intense, passionate, fast-flying world like one you see on tv. There is always something big or crazy happening…but that is not everyone’s reality. that is not his reality. Things take time… Love takes time… We take time. This is not something that should be rushed…I am finally beginning to understand that.